A couple of weeks ago was Infertility Awareness Week and I thought
maybe I should share some of my own thoughts.
Actually I’m a little surprised I haven’t done this sooner. While we were going through treatments I
would formulate in my mind the blogs that I wanted to write to tell the world
what I was thinking (mainly about how I was being treated as a person with no
kids). But as soon as we got pregnant I
kinda lost the drive. It was kinda like,
well we got pregnant why go back to where we were.
But the truth is, we were a couple that struggled with
infertility and even though during most of it I didn’t FEEL like an infertile
couple (cause I saw light at the end of the tunnel), it’s a part of who we were
and are.
So what are my thoughts on infertility? Where to begin?
First off, every infertile couple is different. Different in how they react to their situation and different in how they want to be reacted to. And the hard truth is you may be associating
with an infertile couple without even knowing it. This makes it difficult to know how to act
and unfortunately there is no universal answer.
I’ve come across a blog of an infertile couple who have
cried themselves to sleep every. Single. Night.
I’ve also come across an article detailing how a woman refused to go to
a baby shower because it hurt too much and expected her friend to understand
not to expect her to be happy for her.
These are extremes that Sean and I can’t relate to. In fact on numerous occasions we felt left
out on purpose because we didn’t have
kids. I just told Sean the other day how
hard it was moving into our new church community. I sat by each Sunday seeing how all the new
moms were welcomed and included while no one attempted to friendship me. I get it, you have kids the same age and that
makes you have something in common.
Regardless, I felt very excluded because of our childless situation (and
of course it was made worse because we were trying to get pregnant).
And its not something that I’m making up. People flat out told us we weren’t invited
because we didn’t have kids and they thought
we wouldn’t want to come. That
hurt. Of course we want to feel
included. Another situation that hurt
was having a couple hesitate on telling us they were pregnant. I understand they wanted to be mindful of our
situation but we were so happy for the couple that it made me frustrated that
they felt like they couldn’t celebrate because of me. Go ahead and celebrate. Goodness knows I was going to celebrate when
it happened to me! At least someone was getting pregnant.
On one hand, you have the lady who refuses to go to a baby
shower and you have us who were dying to get invited to kid friendly get
togethers. You see how difficult it can
be to know what to do? It is a difficult situation no matter how you slice
it.
You can google “what to say (or not to say) to an infertile
couple” and there will be many lists (for the record, some I agree with and
some I don’t’), but I would like to share with you my personal top points that
bothered me the most.
·
Don’t dismiss their situation or make it seem
like an easy fix.
There’s a lot that can be covered by this
sentence. DON’T tell them they should
enjoy the peace while they can because kids can be cah-razy. DON’T tell them how they should approach
their infertility (“don’t waste too much time and money on treatments just go
for adoption if its not working out” or “just use your sister as a
surrogate”). And DON’T tell them,
you’re young! You have plenty of time to
have a kid! I’ve been told all of these
and I wanted to punch the people in their faces.
·
Don’t assume who’s at fault.
The surrogate comment from above really
frustrated me because that person assumed I
was the reason why we couldn’t get pregnant. Infertility is something you struggle together whether it’s because of the
woman’s condition, the man’s condition or partly both (or you just don’t know).
In addition, don’t use the word “fault.”
That makes it sound like they are guilty
of something. Someone told us once,
I know its not your fault but I’ve waited a long time for you guys to have a
kid….Really? You’re blaming us for making you wait?
·
Don’t abuse someone’s trust in you.
Just because they told you about their infertility issues
doesn’t give you the right to go share it with other people. There were a couple of people who knew of our
situation and I was constantly worried that they would go gossip it around to
their friends or family. It caused me to
be on edge whenever I was in public with these people. Also, just because you’ve been told doesn’t
give you the right to ask whatever question you want. I wasn’t perfect but when I told people of
our situation I tried to explain how I wanted to be treated and the type of
questions I was willing to answer. Some
people ignored this and asked too personal of questions that I didn’t want to answer. This made me super uncomfortable and when I
tried to be evasive I was seen as the
rude one. A good rule of thumb here is
be a good listener and wait for them to bring it up to discuss it.
Since you may not know the closet infertile couples in your
community I would like to share some insights on how to better behave in public
(aka so you don’t inadvertently frustrate/offend/upset an infertile couple).
·
NEVER ASK WHEN SOMEONE IS HAVING A KID. It could not be any simpler. Even if you think you are best friends with
someone (or are their family member). Having
a kid is very personal and its not something to bring up as light dinner
conversation. I cant tell you the NUMEROUS times I’ve been in a public setting
where my heart was racing because I felt for sure someone was going to ask me
that question.
And please don’t ask when someone is having
another kid. Secondary infertility is a
situation that is definitely on par with primary infertility. I know a handful of people who suffer from
this and their awkward moments with unwanted questions are just as offensive as
those who don’t have kids. Learn new
social skills and questions if this is your back up topic of conversation.
·
Avoid speaking in absolutes. This may sound funny and is probably best
explained by examples (which some of these may be reminiscent of all the “mommy
war” battle lines). I read an article
once of a woman struggling with infertility asking her mother (who knew of her
situation) what she thinks is the epitome of life—what makes it all worth
it. Her mother’s response, her
children. Now on the surface that may
seem good and dandy but think about what the daughter heard. You’re only worth something if you have
children and since you cant have children your life will never be
fulfilling.
I’ve heard other absolutes that
have rubbed me the wrong way. You must have kids 3 years apart because
that is what’s best (I don’t have that luxury if I want the number of kids I
want) or of course she will go back
to work because she’s a successful and smart professional (so you’re saying if my
life’s goal is to stay home with kids than I am unintelligent and dumb) or of course she’ll stay at home with the kids
(so you’re saying my career and interests mean nothing) or she had a kid at 41,
I would never do that because that is way
to old to have a kid (what if I am healthy and really want another kid). Go ahead and share your opinions but remember everyone has different personalities,
strengths and situations that what worked best for you wont work best for them.
Which leads me to…
·
Don’t gossip about people and their situation
with family or friends. You may not
think it does any harm but I believe it fuels preconceived ideas that affect
how you view people especially as time goes by.
I was always conscious of the fact that I thought people were gossiping
about us and why we weren’t having kids yet and it made me feel very
uncomfortable. It also made me feel like
I wasn’t of value unless I had a family.
Now as an aside I have to say something about Mother’s Day
since it’s coming up (this is a HUGE soap box moment for me so I’ll try to keep
it short and as sweet as possible).
You’ll find that my opinion is VERY different from what is suggested on
how to treat infertile couples on Mother’s Day.
Simply put, if am not a mother don’t wish me Happy Mother’s Day (for the
record so I don’t sound totally anti, since I’m pregnant I can be wished Happy
Mother’s Day).
Now I know people use the statement, “but aren’t we all
mothers in a sense”, to justify this accolade.
Ok I get that but acknowledge me for what I am and not for what I am not. If you think I’m a great wife who has taken
care of our family of two than acknowledge that. If you think that I am a great Aunt who has
cared for and at times taught or molded your children then have my nieces and
nephews call and talk to me about it. If
you think I am a great friend and confidant, then send me a sweet email to tell
me of a specific time I’ve inspired you.
Just don’t cop out and say, since we’re all mothers in one way or form,
Happy Mother’s Day. (And don’t get me
started on how Mother’s Day is treated at church—that is a whole ‘nother soap
box for another day)
Summary of this post?
Yes it appears to be a bit of a rant of bottled-up feelings on how I was
treated as a childless person. Other
blogs and articles will share other (maybe even more positive) information with
a lot more general advice. But to be
honest, this has been a bit cathartic for me. I believe God gives us trials so that we can help and be empathetic to others in similar situations. Hopefully my advice will inspire and
change some readers to reflect on their social practices with those around
them. If you change for the better than my trial has not been in vain.
My heart goes out to those who have had to suffer more than
us, through procedures, miscarriages and failures. All I can say to those couples is to find
comfort in each other and try to enjoy (not just endure) the journey. Sean and I had an amazing six years together
where we’ve had tons of fun and grew closer than we could ever imagine. In the end, I wouldn’t give up those
years. We talk about how drastically
different our lives would be if we had kids 4 years ago. It wasn’t what we wanted or expected but it
ended up being just how it should be.
Love yourself and love your spouse and put your faith in God and everything
will be ok.
